Just My Luck January 21, 2008

Adventures in Cooking November 5, 2007

I keep telling people I should not be allowed in the kitchen.  I’m sure most just figure I burn shit and don’t really enjoy it. 
Oh, what I wouldn’t give to simply burn shit.
 

Today I:
1 - Placed food on cooking trays (Turkey Medallions and Fresh-Cut Potato Fries - Yum).
2 - Set the temperature as indicated on package (Usually, I forget this part).
3 - Forgot to set the timer.
4 - Remembered to flip the Medallions and Potatoes
5 - Thought ‘what’s the worst that could happen?’ as I ignored a piece of potato that fell to the bottom of the oven.
6 - Was serenaded by the smoke alarm.
7 - Grabbed a pillow to waft the smoke away to shut that #%@# alarm up!
8 - Smashed the light sending it and the lightbulb (correction: pieces of the light and bulb) across the hall and down the stairs
9 - Yelled at Josh to keep SAS and the Dog away from disaster zone
10 - Grabbed the vacuum
11 - Was attacked by the vacuum as it fell down the stairs (Ouch).
12 - Eventually ate a lovely dinner, followed by a few lovely glasses of wine (to reduce the pain of my bruised shoulder and ego, of course).
Gee, it’s too bad that ugly MF light broke.

Would someone please tell me October 31, 2007

To STOP eating all of SAS’s candy?

Truly, the BEST holiday. EVER.

Can’t they all be like this?

I may have found a holiday that doesn’t make me wretch, stress or break out in hives.   
SAS and I had an absolute blast getting her Halloween costume ready for daycare today.          
I even decorated the house without having our traditional holiday conversation:   

Me: I don’t want a tree.
J: It’s Xmas, we have too.
Me: I don’t care. I hate Xmas.
J: No, you don’t.
Me: Yes, I do.
J: No presents for you.
Me: Good.  I don’t want your stinking presents………….
(Use your imagination and substitute Xmas for thanksgiving or valentine’s day…..)

They Grow Up So Fast a.k.a. My Daughter, The Trucker October 18, 2007

She has Josh’s eyes. She has the Feeney build. She has my nose. And f$#k, she has my mouth. Those cute little lips and all of those dirty, dirty words.

I refuse to take complete responsibility.  I mean, REALLY. I can only possibly be 98% responsible for the sh1t that comes out of her mouth. Agreed?

I know I shouldn’t make light of this. Strangely,  I take great pride in that fact that SAS expresses herself in this manner correctly. If she has to swear, she should at least make sense.

I can remember a time where my own mother had difficulties in this area, problems expressing herself effectively.   I recall being told to ’screw an apple’ (I think she meant ‘Carolyn, go fuck yourself!’)  and repeatedly saw her give drivers that cut her off ‘the thumb’. She thumbed them with passion and anger, but in the end, it was still a thumb.  I was mortified.  I hope she was too.

Now, Josh and I don’t exactly agree on the swearing issue, something about getting her expelled and working at Hooters (but who are we kidding with the Feeney build) so I’m researching swearing in other languages.  It’s all about compromise.

So from now on, it’s bugger, sod off and wanker. And maybe I’ll throw in a Tabernac for good measure

No PC for Me June 14, 2007

I’m sure there’s a special hell for mothers like me.  A place where other condemned mothers just shake their fingers and roll their eyes. A place where the non-PC people go to rot. Hell, I’ll probably spend eternity with some PC mother fucker being all nice and shit to me. I’m sure it’s a horrible, terrible place.

What exactly did I do? I let my daughter play with a toy gun. And I thought it was fucking hilarious. Funnier still?  I took pictures.

I’m having a difficult time showing the image here so check it out here:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/7598783@N05/550147589/in/photostream/

FAKER! June 11, 2007

SAS got up early (6:30am) this morning.  She said her throat hurt. A lot. She felt warm.

I, already dreading the upcoming workday, told her she could stay home. I set her up in front of the TV (sick-day tradition) with her favourite movie of the moment (The Dark Crystal) and let her relax.  By 8:00am she was running around, and I told her that she didn’t appear sick to me.

Not 5 minutes later…tears of pain. Her knee hurts, I’m told. I place her ever so lovingly back on the couch with a heating bag. Apparently it hurts. It really hurts.  She says she hurt it biking last night.  I am genuinely concerned. 

It’s now 10:30am.  She’s goofing around again.

Me: You don’t look sick to me.

SAS: Ow! My knee.

ME: OMG! You’re faking!

SAS: Ow. Mama! Ow.  It hurts.

ME: Faker, faker, faker!

SAS: (Evil grin) hehehe.

I have been scammed by my three year old. Damn.

wanting to save the world…for her May 1, 2007

I may have mentioned this before but I’m quite fond of Mother Earth and enjoy (have become quite anal) taking steps for her conservation.  Who’s to blame?  Well, I do have a rather strange adoration of David Suzuki but ultimately I think I can blame my parents.

I grew up in a home that was very aware of the products we used or more importantly, didn’t use. We recycled long before there was a city program that picked it up at the end of the driveway and coloured every square inch of scrap paper before we could go on to the next. Part of the family-obsession with conservation is that my mother does not like to waste. If there was a religion of Anti-Wasters, she’d be their Pope. Perhaps my using foam dishware was actually some strange teenage rebellion. I digress… My point is that my parents cared long before it was cool to care and much of that rubbed off on me.

Lately, with all the emphasis and attention that the environment is getting, the critics seem to be scrambling for higher ground, ‘er a louder microphone. I’m tired of the conservative’s and their bogus initiatives and Buzz Hargrove can kiss my a$$. All I can say is that I am just doing what every mother wants - to give the best to my child.  And for me, that includes doing my part to save the planet.

This past weekend, SAS and I joined my parents at the Toronto Green Living Show. While it was unfortunate that we missed Al Gore’s presentation (SOLD OUT), we had a nice time perusing the newest in ‘greenovations’.

THINGS THAT CAUGHT MY EYE…
Fair Trade Organic Chocolate (OMFG)
Rubber Roofing Systems (They look (and feel) very cool)
Lawn Alternatives – A look at native plants and ground covers

SAS’s PICKS
smart Car  - I do believe I had to bribe her to leave…after 30 minutes!
The Eco-Kids Centre (environmental learning/play area)
Her Water-Man Tattoo (Saving Water, ONE DROP AT A TIME!)

I may have found God - I’ll let you know April 14, 2007

Yesterday I bought a vacuum - a cute cordless electrolux - for SAS. What kind of mother buys a real vacuum for a 3 year old?  The kind that is admittedly lazy and absolutely lackadaisical when it comes to housework. AKA ME. I have been on a mission to find an alternative to vacuuming - this is attempt eleventy thousand.

For SAS’s third birthday, she got a kid’s dirt devil that really works.  My ass it really works. The bloody thing takes 4 double ‘C’ batteries and while it makes the noise of a vacuum and the light comes on - it picks up next to nothing.  Even SAS knows it is a complete waste of time.

On Easter weekend, great-grandma let SAS use her carpet sweeper to tidy up the place.  You couldn’t get her to stop!.  She kept ASKING to vacuum! I simply could not let this opportunity pass me by.  Hell, I’ll even pay her to do it if I have to.

And guess what? So far so good.  Sam didn’t even ask for milk this morning.  She wanted to VACUUM.  The place looks great.  She’s busy while I type this and that little thing sucks like a *************** (insert desired simile here - mine’s probably dirtier than the rest).

For now,  I’m keeping the faith.